Archive for October, 2009

"We Don’t Talk the Way We Used to Talk…"

“…it’s hurtin’ so deep. I’ve got my pride. I will not cry, but it’s makin’ me weak. I’m not your super woman.” –Karyn White “Superwoman”

Okay, so I haven’t been so good at posting regularly lately. It’s not that there’s nothing to blog about. I am just incredibly lazy sometimes busy lately. Once it’s been a week or so, I start thinking, “Ooh, I have to come up with something really kickass to make up for taking a long break.” Then I start obsessing about that and psych myself out and before you know it, it’s been two weeks since my last post!

Anyway, welcome back. I’m going to start blogging everyday starting next week. Really! I promise. See, I even made banners:

Each day has a theme. There’s no need for me to repeat them here, because you can just read the banners for each day. I also added share links beneath each blog, so you can share all of my knowledge, expertise and wonder with your friends and Facebook family.

Stay tuned! Have a safe and happy Halloween.

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Nerds in Bed

Nerd boys have their obvious allure — they’re generally good for conversation, holders of steady jobs, and all too willing to fix your computer. But great sex? That’s traditionally been the realm of the fireman, the cop, the construction worker, the UPS guy and various other Village People archetypes.

But I’m tired of muscle-headed hunks getting all the attention. Give me a skinny, four-eyed dude in a button-down over a toned, Ken-doll cliché any day of the week. Here, a sampling of my favorite nerds and the reasons why they make great lays:

#1. The Doctor (e.g. J.D. [Zach Braff] in “Scrubs”) He knows exactly where the magic orgasm button is because … he’s a doctor. Time and time again, we’re surprised by how many grown boys just don’t know their way around down there. Most manly men aren’t stopping for directions, but a doctor has literally studied the ins and outs of your anatomy. He ain’t getting lost in your ‘hood.

#2. The Cyber Geek (e.g. Zaboo [Sandeep Parikh] from “The Guild”) Aroused by your quirkiest traits, the Cyber Geek tends to adore things about you that you may find slightly embarrassing. There’s nothing more gratifying than discovering that those Ms. Pac Man skillz you picked up in elementary school now have the power to make your man go into heat. The Cyber Geek is the perfect outlet for your dorkiest sexual impulses. (Um, Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?)

#3. The Comic Con Guy (e.g. Gerard Way) Have you been to a comic book convention lately? Kinky doesn’t even begin to describe some of the stuff that has become standard issue both within the pages of popular graphic novels and off the pages at comic cons. The sexually adventurous would do well to get comfortable with the distinctions between Marvel, DC and Dark Horse Comics (at the very least).

#4. The Public School Teacher (e.g. Dan Dunne [Ryan Gosling] in “Half-Nelson,”minus the crack addiction) Every day, he deals with kids. Lots of them. This is a guy who is never, ever going to be sloppy about contraceptives. He knows firsthand how truly exhausting having kids can be, and if he’s certain about one thing, it’s that he doesn’t want to be a baby daddy. Sit back and relax. You’re in good hands with the teacher.

#5. The Retail Analyst (e.g. Daniel Bloomgarden) While this Wall Street hunk’s work is somewhat dry, the key word here is “retail” (as in Prada, Gucci and Chanel). This is a man who always smells tasty, because he gets the best colognes and grooming products direct from fashion-vendor goodie bags. If your olfactory glands play big into your arousal factor, might I recommend a whiff of the retail analyst.

#6. The Writer (e.g. Tucker Max [kidding — how about Dave Eggers]) Having sex with a writer is just asking for your naughtiest, most private moments to get exploited in his next work of “fiction.” On the other hand, if the exhibitionist in you likes the idea of thousands of future readers hanging on your every word, then the writer is your go-to guy.

#7. The Artist (e.g. Matthew Barney) Artists are a sure a source of happy, boozy sex.There’s no end to the flow of free wine at gallery openings, and most serious artists we know make it a point to attend at least a couple of these a week. With so much alcohol just there for the taking, the post-gallery “event” will surely be accompanied by that warm, glowing sense of drunken well-being.

courtesy of lemon drop

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Baby Tabu in 4d

Sunday, the fam went to see the new edition in 4d. Unfortunately, she was resting her face on the placenta for most of the visit. Once her Baba and sister began to speak to her, disrupting her nap, she cracked a million smiles and showed her true Tabu personality. Take a look!

She was knocked out!

…slightly disturbed …

… starting to wake up …

There’s that smile.

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Swollen Ankles and Stamp Sets

Everyone at Hannibal’s job is knocked up or has a wife who is due within the next month. They had a baby shower Tuesday for all of the pregos, and they gave us a gift card to Babies R’ Us.

So, of course, today I went to Babies R’ Us. I asked the first red shirt I saw whether they had the motorized shopping carts that old people ride around Target in, because my hips felt like two pinky toe muscles holding up a bowling ball. I rolled my eyes when she said they didn’t have those. I don’t understand how a store that thought of “Stork Parking” (close parking for expectant mothers) didn’t think to have motorized carts for when we reach the weeks where we have triple chins and swollen ankles.

Anyway, I picked up a few things pertaining to breast milk storage, hoping that this baby won’t suck me until there’s nothing left to pump like the last one did. I also got one of those little gum brushes, so the kid’s first teeth don’t come in brown and require an iced grill like Lil’ Wayne.
Despite the fact that all Mooch wants for Kwanzaa is a compass (nerd) and more Junie B. Jones books, I bought a stamp set and a Harumika Style Starter Set, because she’s taken an interest in fashion design. Hannibal also plans to buy the family a Wii, and I’ve been buying little stuff here and there all year that’s hidden in the back of my closet. Shhhh! Don’t tell her. She’ll be ecstatic.

I’ve been homeschooling since 2pm. It’s almost over. Thank God, because I’m tired. Luckily, I don’t have to teach today, which means I don’t have to drive again. Anyway, that was my day. I’m going to try to put my feet up for a bit before figuring out dinner. Peace!

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Halloween Costumes

Every year, Mooch outdoes herself for Halloween. That’s why when she told me she wanted to be a witch this year, I was a little worried. That’s so typical. It’s beyond boring, and it’s cliche.

Then I thought back to all of the previous years. In 2006, she was a fifties waitress.

In 2007, she was Wonder Woman.

In 2008, she was a lion.

Those weren’t spectacular ideas. It was the way we did the costumes that made them stand out. I just haven’t figured out a way to jazz up this witch, and Halloween is right around the corner. Any ideas?

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