Thematic Thursdays: A Shift in My Perspective
Myshell - 6 months old
I remember fearing becoming an adult when I was a six years old. I thought I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to make right turns because I was left handed, and even sitting on the other side of the car seemed strange. I just knew I’d never understand taxes and where I should go to pay them. Now here I am, with my adult self, packing the lunches, planning the funerals and making sure the bills are paid.
On the one hand, thirty just means ten more years of doing things except now there’s a three at the beginning. On the other hand, it signifies the adult phase of life. I’m not a teen or young adult. I’m just a plain adult. I still have five more years before I stop shopping at Forever 21, though.
Each birthday is a time of reflection for me. Thirty years ago, my mom and dad conceived me on New Year’s Eve. This past New Year’s Eve, I gave birth to my second child. It’s kind of creepy how fast time is moving me from one thing to the next. I feel like I’m flying. It’s like I can gaze down at forever happening thousands of miles beneath me.
“If at age 20 you are not a Communist then you have no heart. If at age 30 you are not a Capitalist, then you have no brains.” -George Bernard Shaw
As I turn thirty, idealism gives way to practicality. I’m still a dreamer. My dreams are just more realistic. I can’t express the humility that seems to come with it. It seems like just yesterday I was reading Franz Fanon and dreaming of the revolutionary I’d become. I’m not saying thirty is where activism goes to die, but there sure is a lot less time for it between pouring milk on your kid’s cereal and scheduling doctor’s visits. I keep telling myself that one day I’ll have time to get back into acting classes, so that my passion is fulfilled. Until then, I steal an African dance class when I can and wait out Fuss’ first five, while reciting Macbeth in my mirror.
When I was twenty years old, I felt as though I could do anything and accomplish everything, while living on nothing. I would become a renowned personality — educating and inspiring, leading and acting — all while making love and eating several packs of Oriental flavored Top Ramen noodles per day. With the twenties under my belt — jobs that brought little enjoyment, relationships that were difficult to maintain and friends that were a source of friction — I have become much more cynical about the world than I once was. I’m still progressive, but I’ve accepted that many things aren’t going to get any better and that’s okay. A lot of things will.
Thirty will mean making better choices. It will bring me even closer to friends I’ve had for over fifteen years. Thirty will come and go like every other age did. I’ll have more opportunities to shine. The best part will be the nearly thirty teeth showing when I smile at people who can’t believe I’m thirty.
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Author: Myshell Tabu
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