Marital Mondays: 12 Things Your Husband Wants To Say

This is my Kwanzaa gift to all of the husbands out there (since I won’t be blogging during Kwanzaa, because I’ll be busy molesting elves and chugging candied yams from a keg). It is Myshell’s Top Twelve Things Your Husband Wishes He Could Tell You Without You Copping That Eastside Attitude. The parentheticals are my gift to the ladies (Husbands, don’t read anything inside of the parenthesis or this mostly won’t be a good gift for you). Wait, that was inside of parenthesis. Husbands, from this point on, don’t read anything inside of parenthesis.

Here we go:

12. If you ask a question you don’t want the answer to, expect to get your feelings hurt. (So don’t ask why that midget keeps following him through the grocery store. Just accept it. Maybe join in a little.)

11. You can tell him how to do it or you can ask him to do it; you can’t do both. (I prefer the former, but sort of phrase it like a question. Like this, “Don’t you wanna make me a Tofurky sandwich on lightly toasted bread with spinach, veggie mayo and mustard?” True story.)

10. He doesn’t read minds, but he can hear. (So, be sure you’re loud and clear when you cuss his ass out for drinking the last drop of lemonade.)

9. If the lid is up, put it down. You don’t hear him complaining about having to lift it up. (In our house, the whole thing is down for equal opportunity purposes. Everyone has to at least lift the lid. It’s also down so Fuss won’t use the toilet water as lipstick, but that’s a different blog for a different day.)

8. Shopping doesn’t equal quality time for him anymore than sports equals quality time for you. (But, if you blow him in the bathroom of Macy’s, the shopping trip is totally quality-time-and-a-half.)

7. Make him lists. They clarify a lot of things. (I like to include details like: Lick all crumbs from the toaster)

6. If you don’t want to wear Victoria’s Secret Lingerie, don’t expect him to act like a soap opera guy. (Don’t wear the lingerie if he doesn’t wash his balls, though. There’s no reason for your g-string to be smelling all grody.)

5. If he says something and it can be taken two ways – he didn’t mean it the way that is hurtful or upsetting. (Unless you sleep with his best friend. Then he’s really mad, so run.)

4. If you tell him to “just forget it” — chances are he is going to. (Especially if it’s something he did wrong and this is an opportunity to get out of the doghouse for slapping your mama at Thanksgiving dinner.)

3. Don’t be subtle — he is not good with nuances. (So be sure to speak, use sign language, show cleavage and borrow that midget from question number one when communicating with him.)

2. If you want him to play detective, don’t get defensive when he asks questions. (Just roll your eyes and keep asking, “Are you done yet?”)

1. Finally, love, honor and cherish does not mean he can’t be grumpy at being woken up at 6 on a Saturday morning when he don’t have to go to work… (It does mean that you don’t have to give him any morning nookie or make those waffles that he loves so much.)

See how we can all get along in marriage? Happy Kwanzaa! Umoja and all that good stuff.

1 Comment

  1. TUNI ACOSTA Said,

    June 4, 2011 @ 8:57 am

    That is HILARIOUS!!!