Thematic Thursdays: My Comic Book Reviews Will Save Your Kids From Sheep Orgies

It’s midnight, and I’ve been trying to figure out what my blog is going to be about for the past two hours, when it dawned on me that I could just write comic book reviews like Hannibal!

So what if each Wednesday he reads upwards of 30 books. I barely need to read them at all, because I’m awesome. Also, I’m a genius *sticks out tongue*. Also, I didn’t even have to buy any of them, so this column is not going to be called The Buy Pile like his. This column is called The I Didn’t Buy This, But You Still Have Only 60 Seconds to Impress Me Pile. If that’s too long for you, you can eat it. Or, you can shorten it to IDBTBYSHO6STIMP. That’s internet language for “eat it.”

Let’s get started:

Avengers Academy —

(M: Wait. How do I find what number issue this is? H: Have you looked on the cover? M: Is it this little 9 right here? H: Yes.)

Avengers Academy #9 —

Here’s a comic book that puts so many other numbers on the cover that the issue number doesn’t even pop out. The tiger-striped chick in the blue bikini is almost enough to lure the reader back in, but the red Skeletor-looking freak in the background is enough to deflate the boner of even a fluffer on the set of Monster’s Ball. Next.

Fables #102 — Here’s a book that is worth reading. After 50 million crossover issues, Fables is still asking questions like, “What are you doing way out here in the ass-end of the great nowhere?” That’s such an awesome question. I wonder that all the time — like when I lose my car in a parking structure or when I can’t find my way back to my seat at the Staples Center.

Fables is the “Where Are They Now” story about nostalgic cartoon characters. Pinocchio is in there. Cinderella is a spy, and Snow White is married to The Big Bad Wolf. Go figure. I always knew those Disney stories were about sex, S & M, and bestiality. Don’t let your kids watch that stuff. It’s awful. They may sleep with sheep when they become teens. Then they’ll click the like button on Facebook for “sleeping with sheep” and all of their friends will know that they like to sleep with sheep. Only instead of shunning them, their friends will be like, “Cool! I totally want to sleep with sheep also, because sleep and sheep rhyme.” Boom! That’s how your kids ended up in a giant sheep orgy.

Legion of Super-Heroes #10 — I’m too sleepy to review another book. It’s colorful, though. How does Hannibal do this every week? *Myshell falls over unconscious*

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