Pillow Talk: Haircuts and Grooming

The pillow talk series contains conversations directly from our bedroom. When you and your partner leave the bills, scheduling, and kid talk in the emails, interesting whimsical conversations happen on the pillow.

from bed Thursday night …

M: I had a dream I could solve all of your problems with tattoos. Well, not all your problems, but your “I don’t have time to get a haircut” problem.

H:But I won’t get tattoos. I don’t care for them.

M: So what. Just hear me out.

H: (Listening)

M: We’re going to drive you to Jay and have him shave all of your hair and facial hair off. Then, I’ll pull out my eyeliner and have him draw the whole mustache Van Dyke situation on. Next, I’ll put you in the car and take you to the nearest tattoo parlor with good Yelp reviews (this is your face). The artist will tattoo over what Jay drew. Voila! No more driving all the way to Gardena to get your hair cut.

H: There’s a problem

M: You only found one problem with that? That’s awesome.

H: No, I found tons, but one is just major.

M: What?

H: I don’t like needles.

M: I had a friend who got her EYELINER tatted on. This is your chin. You’ll be fine.

H: My hair is still going to grow back. How does this eliminate haircuts?

M: We can shave you clean at home each week. Skill won’t matter, because you’ll have the necessary facial hair design underneath! We’ll have the guides, you can even leave a little hair coming out of the tattoos if you want to. It’ll look more realistic.

H: Ya think?

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Marital Mondays: “Ridin’ Hard and Ridin’ Dirty”

I drove Hannibal to work this morning. It was fun having extra time to chat and be silly. There may be more carpooling in our future. We have to squeeze the quality into the time we have.

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Marital Mondays: Sick and Joyful

This daily blog hangs over my head like an antique chandelier — pretty, but heavy enough to fall and knock the words right out of me. I was sick as hell last week, so I rested for two days like a normal person and didn’t write at all. I actually didn’t miss it. It gave me time to focus on curriculum building for Fuss and other household administrative tasks.

Hannibal made many sacrifices last week, including coming home from work early Tuesday (like leaving right after he got there), because Fuss was throwing all brands of tantrum and I was too weak to deal with it. He did all of my normal driving that day, with the exception of driving Mooch to school. I have no idea how I got her there that morning, but we’re all still alive.

So, this week’s “Marital Mondays” blog is a simple shout out to the man who supports me even when it throws his whole day completely off the rails. I think he even tried to cook a little that day. He hustles so that I can customize my lifestyle, and I can’t thank him enough for the impact it is having on our girls to have me molding them all day everyday. Thanks, honey!

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Marital Mondays: 12 Things Your Husband Wants To Say

This is my Kwanzaa gift to all of the husbands out there (since I won’t be blogging during Kwanzaa, because I’ll be busy molesting elves and chugging candied yams from a keg). It is Myshell’s Top Twelve Things Your Husband Wishes He Could Tell You Without You Copping That Eastside Attitude. The parentheticals are my gift to the ladies (Husbands, don’t read anything inside of the parenthesis or this mostly won’t be a good gift for you). Wait, that was inside of parenthesis. Husbands, from this point on, don’t read anything inside of parenthesis.

Here we go:

12. If you ask a question you don’t want the answer to, expect to get your feelings hurt. (So don’t ask why that midget keeps following him through the grocery store. Just accept it. Maybe join in a little.)

11. You can tell him how to do it or you can ask him to do it; you can’t do both. (I prefer the former, but sort of phrase it like a question. Like this, “Don’t you wanna make me a Tofurky sandwich on lightly toasted bread with spinach, veggie mayo and mustard?” True story.)

10. He doesn’t read minds, but he can hear. (So, be sure you’re loud and clear when you cuss his ass out for drinking the last drop of lemonade.)

9. If the lid is up, put it down. You don’t hear him complaining about having to lift it up. (In our house, the whole thing is down for equal opportunity purposes. Everyone has to at least lift the lid. It’s also down so Fuss won’t use the toilet water as lipstick, but that’s a different blog for a different day.)

8. Shopping doesn’t equal quality time for him anymore than sports equals quality time for you. (But, if you blow him in the bathroom of Macy’s, the shopping trip is totally quality-time-and-a-half.)

7. Make him lists. They clarify a lot of things. (I like to include details like: Lick all crumbs from the toaster)

6. If you don’t want to wear Victoria’s Secret Lingerie, don’t expect him to act like a soap opera guy. (Don’t wear the lingerie if he doesn’t wash his balls, though. There’s no reason for your g-string to be smelling all grody.)

5. If he says something and it can be taken two ways – he didn’t mean it the way that is hurtful or upsetting. (Unless you sleep with his best friend. Then he’s really mad, so run.)

4. If you tell him to “just forget it” — chances are he is going to. (Especially if it’s something he did wrong and this is an opportunity to get out of the doghouse for slapping your mama at Thanksgiving dinner.)

3. Don’t be subtle — he is not good with nuances. (So be sure to speak, use sign language, show cleavage and borrow that midget from question number one when communicating with him.)

2. If you want him to play detective, don’t get defensive when he asks questions. (Just roll your eyes and keep asking, “Are you done yet?”)

1. Finally, love, honor and cherish does not mean he can’t be grumpy at being woken up at 6 on a Saturday morning when he don’t have to go to work… (It does mean that you don’t have to give him any morning nookie or make those waffles that he loves so much.)

See how we can all get along in marriage? Happy Kwanzaa! Umoja and all that good stuff.

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Marital Mondays: How to Be a Better Husband or a Douche Bag

I was browsing the internet searching for blog inspiration when I stumbled upon The Better Husband Blog. It’s a blog full of tips on how to be a better husband. I read a few of them and realized that Hannibal already does most of them. That made me happy. Then I asked him what his tip would be and his answer reminded me that though he does most of these things, he’s still a douche bag. Here’s how the conversation went.

M: Honey, what’s a tip you could give to other husbands to make them better.

H: I don’t know.

M: *sigh* Come on, Hannibal. If you’re doing most of this stuff already, you must be some kind of husband guru or something.

H: I don’t know, baby. I can’t come up with something that fast.

M: You have a degree in English!

H: A degree. Not a turbo brain.

M: Well, you paid $30,000 a year for college. The least they could have done was sped up your sagacity.

H: Myshell, what do you want from me here?

M: I want a tip!

H: Oh, I’ll give you the tip. *chuckle*

M: (frown)

H: What do you care? You’re not a husband. Fine. Being a better husband means being a better father.

M: That’s awful.

H: I thought you were looking for heartwarming!

M: We’re not heartwarming. We’re kooks!

H: Okay, my tip is: Don’t leave empty containers and bottles in the refrigerator.

M: That’s not your tip. I just fussed at you about that tonight!

H: I know. Now I’m sharing it with all the brothers out there.

M: But you didn’t know it already! You just learned it!

H: I ain’t ask you all that.

M: Could you just give a good tip — your *own* tip?!

H: Baby, almost all my tips are based on things you say, because you’re such a good instructor. You know yourself so well and you’re expressive.

M: Awww, that’s so sweet, Hannibal. *blush*

H: smiling

M: Wait, did you just use a tip on me?

H: Either that or I was patronizing you. It’s hard to tell.

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